Alianated Aliens In Decay

by Graspin T. Weerdo , MSc

Aliens captured by the Ruskies and held alive since 1959 in a specially adapted gulag, are expiring at an alarming rate. Professor Giorgy Rasputin, of the state sponsored Alien Research Centre, said "we kept them locked away all this time separated in different rooms, with 6 inch thick concrete and lead-lined walls. They did not want to communicate with us and were unable to communicate with each other. Then one day, 'Poof' they all started to expire".

Dr, Deke Zitter of the Colorado State University believes the beings are dying primarily because of the alienation of the alien nation. The Flash contacted the research centre at Area 51, Roswell for comment. However, the usual denials were delivered by a spotty-faced young Colonel, a charmless person with no social graces.

SHAG magazine are reported to have paid $100,000 for an exclusive video of the expiration of the last alien, the one the Ruskies call 'Bob'.

Crop Circles May Be False Claim - by Mustafa Luk

From Essex to Wessex, Leeds to Lands End mysterious crop circles have appeared all across the UK since the early 60's. However, the latest photographs to appear in Crop Circle Circular are believed to give the game away at last. Would some alien force really want to seek copyright for the damage they leave on arable land?

The Society for Horticultural and Arable Media (SHAM), believe there is still some truth to alien intervention, and that, at some later date, these aliens may want to stake a claim to any pictures taken or articles written. In the Society's latest publication they cite many instances where the aliens would appear to be taking the piss, they appear to have a great sense of humour said spokesperson Art Wheet. He went on to say that crop circles are now reported throughout Europe and the USA. Asked whether it was not simply humans creating the circles for kicks he replied, well they'd need a bloody big Spirograph wouldn't they, as if that were proof positive.

Crop circles have attracted many stars and notables who not only believe in alien intervention but are pledging their time and money into research. Sting is said to be going to visit Brazil again in search of similar anomalies in the rain forests, this is great news as he would not be able to record any more shite, said one pop pundit.

Physician Heal Thy Self - E.T. Stardust Investigates

Reports intercepted from deep space show problems in a far flung star system. A previously unknown planet appears to be suffering from extreme radiation sickness, believed to have been caused by a huge solar flare from their nearest sun.

The medic (pictured left) has beamed Earth with a video message requesting assistance. Symptoms include inflammation of the eyes, loss of telekinesis, nausea and the Tijuana two-steps.

U.S. boffins will attempt to use the beam to send aid in the form of radiation sickness pills, aluminium foil and Ray Ban shades. Dr. T. Bone of the U.S. Space Nutrition Advisory Panel says there are few foods our new friends can digest. However we are going to send Tacos, Stilton cheese, Mung beans and smoked Giraffe. It's hoped that this repast will have the desired effect of slowing down the squits. I know it works for me, said the barmy hook!

God Particle Found - by Ditrik Quark

Boffins at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, have begun testing the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) - a huge particle accelerator buried underground in Geneva.

Scientists believe they have found the much sought after 'God' particle - a small piece of compacted nothing with no mass or density, and neutral charge, what the layman might call emptiness. One of the expensive monitors (pictured) was captured yesterday playing the video game pong.

Professor Crank believes the discovery could disprove the theory of creationism once and for all, unless that's what God wanted us to believe.

Reverand Titus Firebrand, man of God and amateur physicist, claims the boffins have wasted $5 billion of tax payers money for nothing. He said he has replicated the same results by striking two matchsticks together at speed, then observing the resulting flame from the gaseous emissions of a drunken Scots man.